What the Heck am I doing?

Of course I missed my flight. It wouldn't be nearly as fun if I were, you know, on time. Or early, even. I meant to be, by a day. Instead, I arrived in Colorado Springs a scant three hours before my first meeting, and got on Base a mere 17 hours before we're due to step through the Gate. I haven't seen it yet, by the way. Seems like I could get to it though, if I tried. There are 50 trillion guards everywhere, but there aren't a lot of places my card doesn't scan, not that I've found, anyway. I admit I haven't tried. To scan my card in random doors or to see the Gate. This has been a really long day.

Thoughts on Silverhawk: She's ... standoffish. Not that I don't understand it or can't deal with it. I'm a bit standoffish myself, I've been told. (By a treehugger, but still.) She has this... way about her. I know, how trite. Of course she has a way about her. But I mean it. I'm hoping I'll be allowed to call her Rowena eventually. That name is really under-rated. Of course, "Major Silverhawk" is fine too. Nothing wrong with showing respect. Actually, that might be better. She's the boss. She deserves to be acknowledged as one.

Thoughts on this whole military thing: I don't like it. I never did. I don't like the idea that so much of my training to get here involved how to kill stuff. (I really don't like how bad I was at it, either.) That being said, I'm determined not to mess with the system. I wouldn't want military dudes coming in and wrecking my nice, orderly (there's order! You just have to know the system!) researchy stuff, waving their guns around and reorganizing the files. So, I'm going to do my best not to subvert the system, to follow my CO's orders, not get myself in trouble I can't get myself out of, and generally be a good kid.

Thoughts on whether I'll succeed: Don't know. Really don't. I've messed up on this before, with the best intentions. It's always been hard to sit by, and while I've been told that the best way to study is to sit back and observe, I've never been able to. As a historian, there's no one left to save. As a linguist, there's more value in getting into the dirt and actually talking to people. As either of those things, there's nothing in the back of my mind telling me that I'm screwing up, that I shouldn't be getting involved. Not until I'm already involved and blood has been spilt. Figuratively. Well, ok. Once literally. But it was mine. Does that count? Oh, forget it.

Thoughts on the Tok'ra: Whoa. Ok. Yes, I was briefed. Do you know how many times I've had to backup today and say "Oh, yeah, I was briefed. I just..." whatever? Yes. I was briefed. But come on! You're a freakin' alien with two personalities, and some great measure of power, and apparently we've been working with you for years. Just give me like... five minutes to decide you haven't just been fooling people for those years, to decide I should trust you too. Because where I come from, if you say you've got two personalities in you, they lock you up. Still, it was incredible talking to her - them. Arg. I fear both of them are waaay smarter than I am. Then again, I've been given such a really really short time to adjust all of my "country" references to "planets," "worlds" to "star systems," and "fiction" to "fact." I can't believe I actually thought she was talking about a parallel universe. I'm embarrassed to think about it even now. Gotta set the dial a little lower - not everything that once was science fiction has become fact. Some stuff is still just ridiculous. Parallel universes. Pif.

Thoughts on other people I met today: Man there were a lot. Note to self, self: Stay the Heck away from Malone. Also, find Randi Kavangh again and smile at her. You'll want all the friendly faces you can get. Start making a list of people you haven't embarrassed yourself in front of yet. Try not to cross anyone off. Good boy.

Final thoughts: I am SO not going to be able to sleep tonight. -sigh-